I Feel Bad About My Neck

The doctor's office called and said that I indeed had several heart palpitations (duh). After doing further bloodwork, it was decided that my thyroid was acting up. I was referred to the Nuclear Medicine department of our local hospital. I didn't like the name of the place or pretty much anything else about it. I was told that I would be doing a thyroid scan involving radioactive materials. Pretty much all I know about radioactivity is that exposure to it is most often bad, unless you are Peter Parker. I would rather take the Peter Parker option and become a superhero. Unfortunately, I was not given the option. I was given, however, FREAKING radioactive pills to swallow! AAAHHHHH! I dutifully took my radiotracer pills 24 hours before the procedure, fully expecting to either be dead or glowing green by the next day.

I showed up to the Nuclear Medicine office ready to be detonated or whatever they were going to do. I had to put on a fashionable hospital gown and lie on a cold table with a bunch of intrusive looking camera equipment trained on me. It was much like how I imagined many alien abuctions end up. My instructions were to lie still for 30-45 minutes without swallowing. Among my other many superpowers is the gift of overproductive saliva glands. Basically....I drool like a St. Bernard. Sexy, right? I can assure you that not only is lying still for 45 minutes torturous for me, the not swallowing thing was akin to waterboarding. I ended up having to swallow at least once before I choked, making the test last even longer.

In that 45-60 minute span I was able to name all of the states alphabetically (except Pennsylvania, I always forget the Keystone State) and then hit a majority of the capitals. Of course, I had no way of telling if I was right or not, so I just assumed success. Chicago is totally the capital of Illinois, right?

Finally the nightmare ended and I was able to go back out to the waiting room. I was called back in and told my thyroid was enlarged a little and there was a nodule on the right side. It could be indicative of cancer or it could be a benign growth just hanging out. This was the first time EVER that anything like this had happened to me. Well, plenty of bad shit has happened to me, but it was the first time I felt like my body was trying to do me in. First of many....

I scheduled my biopsy and asked where the restroom was. This was also the first time that I passed out. I looked in the mirror at my gray face and black, hollow eyes. My hearing transitioned from the deafening sound of my blood rushing to quiet far away sounds to silence. My vision grayed and I crumpled down on the cold tile. (I actually don't remember how I got to the floor, but I like to think it was a graceful and dramatic crumple.) I was only out for a few seconds and then realized that I was on the floor. Not only was I on the floor, I was on the floor, in a doctor's office. Gross. I splashed water on my face because that's what I'd seen people do on TV and figured it must be the thing to do. I wandered out of the doctor's office and sat in my car. I was 23, these things don't happen to people my age. I had it all together, husband, good job, mortgage, dog....I couldn't have cancer, could I?