Future Jen has Arrived

Well, apparently I did deal with it just fine. I had yet another biopsy done and, again, it came back benign. The doctor told me the results with the caveat that we will only know for sure when the actual tumor is removed and dissected in February. Why do so many things need to be removed from my body and dissected? I'm sure it has something to do with eating lead-based paint in all the various rental properties I was raised in. At any rate, it's been an incredibly long time since I posted so here's what's new...I had something else removed from my body, but not dissected. Lane Thomas made his arrival on October 14th at 8:16 a.m. as scheduled. He is healthy and beautiful and I am so blessed to be his mother! I had a great pregnancy, for all my physical failings, I'm actually really good at being pregnant. I had a tubal ligation, so, sadly, this baby factory is closed. I felt confident in the choice to shut down production, my husband and I agreed a long time ago that we did not want more than two children. Well, he didn't want more than zero for a long time...But anyway, I had no reservations about the decision until about an hour ago when I started packing up my maternity clothes. Not being a crier, I was surprised when I started sobbing unexpectedly while folding up the shirts I'd been wearing for the past few months. I don't want to be pregnant again, I certainly don't want anymore kids, but there was such a sense of finality in that gesture. Shutting a door on an exciting and special time of my life, I guess. I will never again be pregnant. Why is this so sad? I'm not great at being a mother, kids in general stress me out. I think it's more the ending of a time period, rather than actual sadness about not having more kids. This was the last big thing, you know. I've graduated high school and college. I've had the wedding, the grown up job, bought a house, built a house and had my kids. The next milestones, the next "big things" won't be mine now, they will be my children's. Is that a selfish viewpoint? Am I sad because there won't be anymore parties or presents for me? Yeah, kinda. Being on the cusp of 30 is a strange plateau, at least in my situation. I did all the big stuff so early that there's this long expanse of horizon ahead that's just nothing but existing. But that's not so bad, there's not much chaos or uncertainty in existing. I think I'll just find comfort in that.